Alive and Well-ish

Wedding season is finally over (I honestly don't know what to do with myself) so, one would think I'd have Oodles of time to post since I'm not preparing for, going to, or shopping for ANY weddings. This would be true if I had internet (I will again soon) and if I wasn't afraid turning on my computer would cause my hard drive or my brain to explode. Of course, I will find a solution to this and be back again to occupy your company time in the near future. Did you truly have any doubts?

Surprisingly, the most horrifying thing about not having internet and cable is not, not having it. The thing that seriously makes me question my sanity is that I'm getting used to not having it. I just discovered 2 more local TV channels which brings my total up to 8, I believe (of which I only watch 3 anyway), and I have become a productive mother fucker! I never realized there was such an easy way to simplify my life -- holy shit, I am completely becoming my mom...

Ok, before I start talking about my plants (I really do have plants) or how wonderful it is to unplug I think I'd best go and chug a beer to remind myself WHO I AM FOR SHITSAKE!

My Computer is Dying

I finally got it to "operate" in this giant, pixelated mode... I think it has something to do with not having enough memory to look like the milennium piece of shit it is, so it chooses to look like a 1992 piece of shit, neat. I obviously plan on working on this, at the very least I'm going to get something to back up all of my crap, WHAT?! YOU'VE NEVER BACKED UP YOUR FILES?? I can hear you all screaming, and no, sadly I have not backed up my pictures (most importantly), my music, or my lame collection of bullshit papers/poems/journals -- Ooo, those I'd like to keep, for a good laugh now & then anyway. Well, no time to talk as I'm not sure when all of this "operating" will become too much again for my giant POS causing it to freeze for the zillionth time. Which will inevitably lead to about 10 restarts, possible swearing/crying outbursts, and perhaps even my 9th system restore :) Haven't had to do a system restore in a while (knock on wood) and I really don't want to, shit.

Who needs cable, when you have a computer to run (ruin) your life?

Peeing on Your Cell Phone

I was debating about what I wanted to post today...I figured I could talk about September 11th - what I was doing 5 years ago, discussions I've had about it today, etc., however, I don't feel like I have anything really new or constructive to say about the whole event.

So, I don't mean to seem insensitive or uncaring (it's not like 9/11 hasn't been on my mind), but the truth is, I'd rather post about my experience in the bathroom this afternoon:

It's after lunch and it is time for my can of Mt Dew prompted release of morning coffee pee. I walk into the public bathroom at the same time as this average enough, age 30ish, woman. We take take two stalls next to each other and already, the stage is set for awkwardness with the whole Who is Going to Pee First?: Social Pee Pressure thing. Well, before I can even fully relax my sphincter muscles HER CELL PHONE RINGS. It's a ring I recognize from my brother's phone, I'll call it "freaky deaky" as we once sampled it for a rap song we made up. My first thought is "Oh, doesn't she feel like an Oaf with that hideous cell phone ring going off in the bathroom!" Finally it's silent and I assume she's turned it off (resume peeing) and then, I HEAR HER SAY "Hello!" and as if that's not bad enough SHE CONTINUES PEEING!! "Tinkle tinkle blah blah blah tinkle tinkle tinkle."

I pinch it off (can a woman technically say that?) and quickly try to hurry out of there, in effort to prevent snide comments from vomiting out of my mouth, when I'm suddenly frozen by a thought: Do I flush the toilet while she's on the telephone? With my hand nervously hovering above the flusher I come to my senses and realize I am not the one being rude by PEEING IN THE BATHROOM and I give her a WOOooshing flush and make a mad dash for the door. While washing my hands I conclude she, and the caller, don't seem to be phased by my flush and Oh there she goes herself "WOOoosh!" !!! !! ! ...!

Now, don't get me wrong, peeing while on the phone AT HOME to your family/close friends, whatever, is totally fine BUTT PLEASE, do not ever think it is OK to include a stranger's bathroom activities in your phone calls. There is a time and a place people!! A TIME AND A PLACE!

PS- To the people who talk loudly on their cell phones in inescapable, tiny, communal places (ie. in the bathroom, on the bus, in the elevator, in line at the store): YOUR STORIES SUCK, YOUR VOICE SUCKS, AND YOU SUCK!

I hate shopping

I thought my disdain for the sport was purely due to years of being a poor college student - week after week, sacrificing a trip to the mall for a trip to Woodman's where I'd budget wisely and purchase my 30-pack of High Life to get me through the weekend. Ah, but alas, it seems I truly have hate in my blood for shopping.

Or at least shopping alone. I believe my solo status was mostly to blame for the overall awfulness of the activity, today. When I'm by myself I don't purchase wisely. Last time I went shopping sans supervision, I bought a swimsuit that I've come to realize is slightly pornographic in coverage, or lack there of.

Furthering my poor decision making, I began my trip by scouring over another ridiculous bridal registry. The only gift I could actually see the couple using was a book on cocktails which, of course, they did not have in stock. I eventually found something in my price range and got the hell out of there ASAP to keep myself from attacking people with stainless steel cheese graters.

Then, it was on to dress shopping. It is sometimes insanely difficult for me to find something that fits my body type. Not to mention, I already had a dress in mind: a simple blue (navy blue?) knee length dress with a square cut neckline and no sparkles, sequins, or pieces that tie. Ha! Dream on. Instead, I found tons of plunging v-neck, disco patterned, funky wrap/tie dresses that were altogether hideous.

After my first round of ugliness, I made an impulse purchase (the worst kind, obviously I was starting to bug out). I bought 20 DOLLAR MOISTURIZER!!! 20 DOLLARS?? Goodness, for that amount of money it should come in a gold container with diamond in-lays! This, from the girl who thought shampoo didn't matter (turns out it does) and bought Suave BECAUSE IT WAS THE CHEAPEST SHAMPOO ON THE SHELF. Honestly though, I'm not sure which was the crazier purchase...

In the end, after exiting the mall through the correct door, deciding it was not the correct door, going back through the mall to a different door, and walking for five minutes in the rain to find my car, I finally had a moment of clarity and thought of one last stop = Woodman's. My best purchases of the evening. Yes, I did pick up a sixer of High Life, for old times' sake, BUT, I also grabbed a mix of local brews in a Pick-Your-Own Variety Pack, to satisfy my more mature cravings.

Now, my friends, it is about time to take my Vanilla Porter out of the freezer and drink away the evil shopping memories still fresh in my brain.

What animal would you come back as?

Me? That's easy, a dolphin.

Number 1, they live in the ocean, and number 2, they "make love" I'm told (<--per our conversation at the bar last night, which included the question of How do manatees mate with all of that blubber... wouldn't it be impossible for them not to float?).

That my friends, is why you go out: where else are you going to get such an in-depth analysis of aquatic mammal sex?

...looking forward to this evening!

A sad day for heterosexual males...

Yup, Adrienne's getting married!

It seems like just yesterday we were riding the country bus to kindergarten and Adrienne was telling the kids to go home and light things on fire -- memories! In all seriousness time really has flown by. It was so much fun to be at Ade's bachelorette party a couple of weeks ago to share a few hilarious Ade Stories. If you've spent ANY time with the girl you're bound to have a few.

I think the thing that makes it all seem strange is that many things about us haven't changed from when we were just tweens. We can still fill a whole day with hanging out and chatting, and we can still stay up all night (demonstrated at her party) being goofy girls.

So, am I going to cry today when I see Her Gorgeousness walking down the aisle? Yes, no use in denying it, I'll probably get a little watery -- Congrats Ade! Your man is a lucky one :)