Sometimes it takes a handful

The first two are necessary when you can no longer sleep because the head pain is so severe. After 20 minutes of un-hangover-friendly TV you no longer think you will puke from the pain. Still, you can't have your head touching any surface or it will surely explode -- you must take a third. Your stomach turns and you realize you must eat something with this one. Choking down whatever you can blindly find in the kitchen you bust into the stash you keep there and number three slides down the hatch. Now, you are able to start thinking about the night before ALL OF THE KISSING! It's not even New Year's Eve yet, Emily is to blame for that. She mustn't be getting much action in Boston. Ah, who am I to talk? I know I can't resist a smooch with a good friend (why is that? retrospection asks). Oh yeah, and that girl punched me in the face when I got up to say HI to someone and she happened to flail her arm at the same time. It was nice of her to buy me those shots. A fourth one couldn't hurt, this time I'll even add some putrid gatorade to the mix. Hmm, my eye doesn't look any more purple than it usually does in the morning. Halfway through my gatorade I'm confused as to whether I took the fourth or not...maybe one more for good measure.

~~~

Fuck. So, this is how the weekend is starting!

Happy Birthday Old Man

Hey G$,

Ok, no more old man jabs for the rest of the day. Well, maybe one or two! Anyway, I'm looking forward to all of the celebrating tonight, even in my sickened state (honestly, I feel pretty good today, I'm just a drama princess as you all know). I promised I would spread the word about your Birthday festivities "like gonorrhea" so in that case, The Plan is:

Meet at Grant & Rob's around 8pm and then out to the bars to see how many shots Grant's skinny frame can handle!

Happy Birthday G$

Hope you don't end up like this later:

blink

Birthday, Graduation, Christmas and all of the sudden December and 2005 are almost over... and I'm feeling it. I knew it would only be so long that I could keep up my, pretty much constant, binge drinking before it would take its toll. I actually thought of it as sort of a challenge for my body -- how many days can I be a Rockstar before I turn to shit? Well, about a week, I guess. I told myself that going to visit the fam in Minnesota this past weekend would be my 'recovery time' = what a load of crap. You can't really recover when you A) continue drinking, although switch to drinks that don't irritate your scratchy throat and B) get attacked by small children at all hours of the day INCLUDING FIRST THING IN THE MORNING. In other words, I still drank copious amounts of liquor and didn't really catch up on sleep (not that I'd have it any other way). Nevertheless, tonight my friends, I am taking some much needed time off, a Girl's Night if you will. However, unfortunately not in the Steph & Becky kind of way ;) Tomorrow, I will be starting it all over again with Grant's Birthday, of course. I do wish I had some pictures from Christmas, but my camera (or camera card?) is being a huge GINIE, for lack of better words, and I'm too busy having fun to care about it right now. Looking forward to New Year's! Ooo, Carly just called to go get some Jamba Juice -- time to kick this cold's ass!! (It's all about positive thinking, ...well, plus some powerful vitamins)

Off to Grandmother's house I go...kinda

Merry Christmas to you all with a little Stroke 9:

This just in...where to begin
Grin and bear it, it's bear and grim
Adoration, titilation, I'm the victim now
Because she's figured me out
She lights my candle, she has a handle on me
It's going well but I'm scared as hell
That she'll figure me out

She thinks it's sacred to be naked
But I don't care, 'cause she's had me there
You see she's figured me out
And I wanna shout at the top of my lungs now
But oh my god, if she hears me she'll come running in...

These are my hands,
these are my faults
These are my plans
These are my nasty little thoughts
I wrote 'em down for you to contemplate
at a later date

(Washin' + Wonderin' AKA the "Nasty Little Thoughts" Version)

Ah yes, aint that fresh -- sorry, I do believe I'm still drunk from all of the celebrating this week. I've had so much fun and, of course, I am an incredibly lucky girl. I love all of you kids, time to go visit the fam for a few days though (I will be without computer access WILL I SURVIVE?!) hope everyone has an enjoyable holiday.

~Steph

Ugh

Drunk Steph Panama I
I feel like I'm on Spring Break. Two more nights of heavy drinking just might kill me. I'm having a hard time finding my party face and even though work won't be too bad tomorrow, I may have to open up the shop if the freezing rain we're supposed to have makes it difficult for the others to get downtown. Ugh.

If I actually was on Spring Break, I'd have this to wake up to:

Morning Beach, Panama I

Hell, I'd even be content with this to wake up to:

A Steph Crush/Obsession, 1999 to Present

A List of Randomness

1. My Grandma's card said: Congratulations, Graduate! Now that you're an adult, your life will change! For instance, 6am is the time you get up, not the time you get home. Which was appropriate since I left my bro's to go home at around 5:30am graduation morning.
2. My Grandma wrote in the card: I love you honey & Good Luck in this old world - find yourself a rich husband ...which was somewhat bizarre and mostly comical.
3. I believe a lot of my friends know this, but -- I know it appears like I am serious and speaking clearly at times, however, it is honestly complete gibberish. Put it this way, don't believe anything I say after: a bottle of wine, a beer, a glass of DiSaronno, some shots of Jager, and a couple gin & tonics, alright? Alright.
4. When I was little I loved to write things in secret places, I wrote names high up on tree branches, and I wrote poems on the tops of the doors in the house I grew up in.
5. Our graduation speaker encouraged us to go out and get married and have kids so our parents can enjoy their grandchildren. Everyone thought this was crazy (I'm secretly anxious about how old my parents will be when (if) I have kids).

I wanted to do this after reading about it on Stacia's blog. If anybody else feels like sharing 5 random facts, technically I'm supposed to choose 5 people to infect (sounds dirty, yes?), I would be interested to hear from anyone so ROCK ON.

a lengthy postsecret

This apartment is quiet. The walls are thin within, but I can't hear the outside. All of the snow we just had adds to the feeling of isolation. Even if I could get out there, I couldn't go very far. Trying not to let my chest tighten. I used to love the feeling of no one knowing where I was or what I was doing, now I feel like that so often, it's not fun anymore.

I don't know when I wrote this, it's in my ANONYMOUS JOURNAL, but when I found it tonight, I couldn't help but love it. Just another piece I'm sure I wouldn't want to share.

UW Madison Graduates!

My Graduation Buddy, Emily, and I --

Do we look as FREAKED OUT as we felt?

Well, we have officially graduated, wow. It ended up being good to go through the ceremony, I'm glad we did it. I think my favorite part was when Em and I were filling out the photo information where they wanted you to note your hair color, whether you had glasses, etc. and for the distinguishing features question Em turned to me and asked, "Should I put down DEAD SEXY?!" I told her to go for it, but she decided against it. Even though I have technically graduated I still have stuff to do, which kinda sucks. I did have to post, however, because let's face it, there's only so much one can do to procrastinate. Eventually, I want to do some sort of THE SEMESTER IN REVIEW or COLLEGE RULES post though I know that will be quite time consuming/possibly emotionally draining, so that will have to wait for now.

~~~

Thanks again for all of the congrats everyone AND congrats to my fellow grads out there. Every single second has been worth it.

Where is Everybody

did you happen to catch
or did it happen so fast
what you thought would always last
has passed you by
is everything speeding up
or am I slowing down
just spinning around
and I don't know why
all the pieces don't fit
thought I really didn't give a shit
I never wanted to be like you
but for all I aspire
I am really a liar
and I'm running out of things I can do

I'd like to stay
but every day
everything pushes me further away
if you could show
help me to know
how it's supposed to be
where did it go?

pleading and needing
and bleeding and breeding
and feeding exceeding
where is everybody?
trying and lying
defying denying
crying and dying
where is everybody?

well okay, enough,
you've had your fun
but come on thare has to be someone
that hasn't yet become
so numb and succumb
and god damn I am so tired of pretending
of wishing I was ending
when all I'm really doing is trying to hide
and keep it inside
and fill it with lies
open my eyes?
maybe I wish I could try

pleading and needing
and bleeding and breeding
and feeding exceeding
where is everybody?
trying and lying
defying denying
crying and dying
where is everybody?

(My favorite NIN song)

Making a List, Checking it Twice

THINGS TO DO BEFORE I CAN REALLY CELEBRATE:

• Go out on my last day of class to celebrate with Tiff & Carly.
• Wake up early on Friday to perfectly finish my Final Soc Project.
• Turn in perfected Final Soc Project.
• Obtain a cap and gown for that thing on Sunday.
• Return home and put in as much laundry as I have $ for.
• Finish reading online lectures and then switch laundry.
• Start and Finish online final.
• Make sure laundry has not been stolen/incinerated.
• Work on take-home essays (please finish 1 out of 3).
• Hopefully, go out Friday night and pretend like I'm done.
• Wake up Saturday and work on take-home essays.
• Go to Jen & Shell's Graduation Party.
• Possibly stay in Saturday night and think of my Dad saying "I never stayed in on a Saturday night in college EVER!" and remember when him saying that forced me to drive to a party in Milwaukee on a finals weekend long ago...
• Wake up Sunday early to insure plenty of time for getting ready and, of course, FREAKING OUT.
• Meet with the family for a drink downtown.
• Get to graduation earlyish for the promise of free food and to find my graduation buddy, Emily, so we can sit together and, of course, FREAK OUT.
• Freakin' graduate -- please do not cry, that goes for Mom too... oh shit, and Dad.
• Graduation dinner celebration with the fam, try not to excessively consume, which may be the biggest challenge yet.
• Wake up early on Monday to finish take-home essays.
• Turn in take-home essays by 2:30.
• Study for LAST FINAL EVER.
• Wake up Tuesday and take LAST FINAL EVER.
• Barf, skip, dance, sing, laugh, and spontaneously combust.

IT ALL MAKES SENSE

I was hormonal. Plain and simple. We really are JUST BIOLOGY. That explains everything -- the anxiety, the weepyness, even the nausea! Hhhh, I already feel more like me again. When it sneaks up on me like this I have no idea what's going on or what to do with myself, I honestly wonder if I'm losing my mind. Well good, now that that's all figured out I can go back to being me: relaxed, calm, carefree. I was wondering why I was so stressed ABOUT SCHOOL no less.

Oh, thank god!

please, please, please, take away my

ANXIETY

Feeling rather anxious. I try to tell myself that it's not school/graduation related, but it partly is. I am not eating well, I am not sleeping well, (you know these are two things I generally have NO problem with). Drinking does NOT seem to be a problem, surprise! I'm not even really talking about alcohol, just beverages in general I AM THIRSTY ALL OF THE TIME. Of course, this is all symptomatic of me FLIPPING OUT! Half of the time I'm telling myself to just soak it all in -- be a student and enjoy these fleeting moments, like today when I was walking on campus and got a little misty-eyed, (I pretended it was just from the cold which it kinda was) I was just appreciating the incredible setting I've had for the past four and a half years. The other half of the time, I'm thinking about what I have to do for finals, what I need to think about for graduation day, what I need to do before Christmas (it always sneaks up on me), what I need to finish up at my student job, what I'll need to do to start the job hunt, what amount of money is (will be) in my checking account... The list goes on and on and it keeps me up at night and makes me nauseous.

In any case I know that this is just me and my whole freakish thing with transitions, and I know others are going (or have been) through similar PANIC! So don't worry about me, I actually feel better already from just letting it out, however, if you do have any suggestions as to how to deal with the ANXIETY (deep breathing isn't cutting it, these days I have to remind myself to breath AT ALL) I am all ears. <---Ha! What if I was literally all ears? That'd be a sight.

The "Safe" Crush

a safe crush
n. An infatuation with a person, in which, flirting and fantasizing of a future with the crush are permissible based on the fact that the object of one's affection is completely unavailable (they are a friend, stranger, taken, etc.), or so you think. In reality, safe crushes only harbor the illusion of being harmless, since 4 out of 5 will reciprocate varying degrees of feelings back complicating the whole damned thing.
(-Taken from a chapter in WTF? by Amanda & Steph, 2004)

...life never fails to surprise me

I don't want a lot for Christmas

If you are singing a certain Mariah Carey song right now then you have something in common with Tiff, Carly, and I singing Karaokee (I dunno how to fucking spell it) this evening! I've tried not to drunk-blog lately, but tonight was so awesome I had to. All I can really tell you is that the evening ended with me exclaiming in the street "I CAN'T READ!" and people believing it. Oh, by the way, that was me who threw the snow - hehehehe. Tiff, you are THE WORST stalker and Lita, I had fun scaring the shit outta you! Ah, time to go to bed so I can wake up and do it all over again.

JUST A SIDENOTE (10:10am): My alarm clock woke me up out of a dream today where Carly, Tiff, and I were doing a kick line with Mariah Carey to All I Want for Christmas!

It's beginning to look a lot like

WHITE LIGHT EXPLOSION:

All around the living room..

...and continuing down the hallway.

Basically, white lights stretch from one end of our apartment to the other. Ok, let me explain: I was hoping to put up my tiny strand of colored lights last weekend, however, every place I thought they were stored, they weren't. I'm thinking, "What the hell? Has it really been that long since we moved? AND I honestly don't have that much crap that it would cause me to lose track of things!" After coming out empty handed from my search, I decided to ask my Dad (Mr. Christmas) for some help and he gave me this GINORMOUS bundle of white lights. I had planned on doing something decorative/creative with them, but when it comes right down to it, I'm not a fan of using tacks and once I had challenged myself to the task of hanging 100 billion feet of lights without the use of a single tack, I couldn't be stopped. Oh, and while I was looking for the light timer (thanks to Mr. Christmas, again), I found my strand of colored lights (as well as a TV cable cord that would've been very helpful ABOUT 4 MONTHS AGO! ...I guess it has been a while since we moved).

Also hung without a single tack, thank you very much.

I did tell Amanda that if she truly didn't like the WHITE LIGHT EXPLOSION we could try to do something else with them. She was very sweet and said that she actually kinda liked it = GOOD, cuz it was more difficult than it looks ;)

Proof that I can have fun in this Frozen Shithole

First, I had the feeling that I had missed my bus today so I decided to suck it up and walk home. As I made my way, I realized my pace was a little fast (I made the 15+ minute trip in about 10), yet the quicker I walked, the more fun it was! I was angling around construction, walking right over ice patches, and avoiding traffic, without missing a beat. It reminded me of this time in middle school when I was walking down our quarter-of-a-mile driveway from the bus stop through inches of fresh snow and I just took off running. You know me, I don't believe you should run unless you are being chased (or, if necessary, catching a bus). I remember our driveway had been plowed but it looked too slick to run on so I went straight for the slushy snow on the side. It was crazy, I was booking it down the driveway in tennies and jeans and I was flying! Halfway home it all got the best of me and I completely wiped out -- I tried to hop up right away, but I was SOAKED. There was nothing I could do, but run the rest of the way and I remember thinking how much fun it was. I felt a little like that today, I know the winter weather makes me feel a little stir-crazy, and I think the best thing for me is to just go be crazy outside. Once I realize I'm not actually trapped, it becomes a lot easier to breath.

and Second, when the going gets tough (and your Dad gives you money for no reason) GO GET SOME STARBUCKS! I made Tracie and Drew go with me to get coffee this afternoon. I love the seasonal flavors - I had an Eggnog Latté = delicious. Whenever I have change at work I give Drew, the other student worker, whatever pennies I get and I tell him it's his raise for the day. As the Senior Student I feel it's part of my job duties to pick on him. So while we were waiting for our orders I threw my two pennies in his coat pocket:

"There ya' go Drew, I put my two cents in!"

"Here, wait Steph... here's a penny back. Now, we have common cents!"

"Oh, hey Tracie, here's a penny for your thoughts!"

Needless to say, all three of us found the whole thing quite amusing, and I think everyone at Starbucks thought we were nuts. It's so nice to work with people who share my dumbass sense of humor, I keep telling them to put that as a requirement for my replacement but they claim it's part of the bonding process to corrupt the new student. Oh, how I'll miss that!

I made it until 12:30pm!

I take my morning experience as evidence of a really great Birthday. After getting over Headache Pukefest I finally checked my voicemail about 1pm and found out the girlies were trying to get a hold of me and were heading to Chili's for food and recovery. I threw some clothes on, the ones which were closest to my bed, and made my way down to the parking lot to meet them. As I walked up to Tiff's car it seemed like they were playing the whole pretend-like-we're-backing-up-and-then-pull-forward thing. I thought, "C'mon , I feel like shit, are we honestly doing this today??" I reached for the door handle and upon opening the car door I realized, to my utter shock and HORROR, that I was trying to get into the wrong car! The girl staring up at me looked quite confused, as well, and I blurted something like "Oops, Hi! Sorry!" and ran as fast as my hungover ass could take me to the Real Tiff's Car, which was parked waiting for me. I am such an idiot :) Thanks for loving me anyway though guys, I had such a blast on my 23rd Birthday.

The Pre-bar Gang, a good lookin' group of people, I do say!

My beautifully wrapped Post Secret book that I asked for and my Bro so dutifully got for me. I highly recommend it, and check out the site if you haven't yet: http://postsecret.blogspot.com/

Last, but certainly not least, Manders and me in our Glow in the Dark Rec Specs -- weren't we gonna wear those to the bar? It's a shame we forgot.

...

Thanks again for all the love guys, the post, shots, cards and gifts were very nice too. In fact, I'm only ready to go out tonight because I want to wear the sweater that Carly and Tiff bought me. I feel pretty good, especially considering I thought I'd never recover this morning, nonetheless, the idea of more alcohol does make my face lose all color! ...A Happy Birthday indeed

You Say it's Your Birthday

(sweet vintage Britney)

dah nah nah nah nah nah it's my Birthday too! Ah, Britney. True, we may share a birth date, but ya know what we don't have in common? An ex-husband, a loser baby's daddy, spoiled brats to take care of, and millions and millions of dollars -- who's keeping track though, right?

Britney, I don't know what my life would be like without you, probably a little less amusing... so here's to twenty-three great years on the planet, Oops hit me baby one more time, in your case it's 23+1 (more thing we don't have in common).

Happy 24th Britney! Keep up the, ah, entertaining!